Behavior Management Magic?
Not quite, but one Spring morning, while I was making my rounds during my class's Grandparents & Special Friends Day, a grandparent stopped me and asked, "How do you make them all sit and listen [during circle time]?", as if it was some sort of magic I was wielding. At the time, I didn't have a clear answer, but I had a feeling. That, of course, wasn't enough in the moment, but because I couldn't put my feeling into words, I laughed (awkwardly) and said, "peer pressure".
While I believe that is true, it is not the WHOLE truth. Yes, my class of 10 - 2.5 to 4-year-old - students were definitely influenced by each other and sat, or didn't, if the majority of their peers were doing the same. Nevertheless, they ultimately sat, as individuals, because they felt safe and loved, seen and heard, appreciated and, of course, entertained. You will get nowhere if preschoolers aren't entertained! All in all, preschool-aged children understand feelings. The same feelings I failed to put into words when I was stopped and questioned, and because the words I mentioned have various definitions, I will give you a slight breakdown of what they mean to me:
Safe. Aside from the obvious - keeping them clear of unsafe and dangerous objects, environments, and situations - providing appropriate boundaries and expectations is essential. Many times young children engage in inappropriate or unwanted behavior because they feel unsafe and are looking for boundaries or "rules" to abide by. Consequences can and will arise as children investigate and explore the world around them. They just need to know how to explore safely. Guide them and they will look to you for protection.
Loved. This is obvious and coincides with keeping them safe. Any caregiver who loves a child, will be sure to keep them safe. In my opinion, loving young children means offering hugs and empathy when they are feeling emotional (happy, sad, excited, angry, etc.), smiling and telling them how proud they should be when they do something that excites them (draw a picture, pedal a bike, kick a ball, build a tower, etc.), and cuddling at their leisure. Even if you feel you are "too busy", take the few seconds it takes to give a hug, kiss, high five, etc., or 10 minutes to cuddle. It'll be worth it in the end.
Seen. Get down on their level, or bring them to yours, and make eye contact. Stop what you are doing when they need your attention and when you are interacting with them. Smile and say their name when you greet them (e.g. "Hi, Sally!"). Understand who they are as an individual and treat them accordingly. What excites and interests them (superheroes, bugs, unicorns, numbers...)? Celebrate and connect with all of who they are and you've got a bestie for life!
Heard. Ask about their home life (special events, favorite toys, pets, etc.). Give your full attention when they are speaking. If you didn't quite understand their speech, repeat what you heard back to them. If you still have trouble, ask for context (if you believe they are able to give it). Respond to their comment or question and be present in the moment. Elaborate on whatever they shared with you and offer a personal connection if possible.
Appreciated. Thank them! When they give you a hug, kiss, drawing, etc., thank them. Young children are navigating so much every minute of every day and if they choose to stop to give you anything, they are showing their appreciation for who you are and what you provide in their lives. It should be reciprocated.
Entertained. One of my favorite things to do is entertain folks, and young children are my absolute favorite humans to entertain. They are so new to the world that they may not have seen or heard your latest age-appropriate joke or silly dance yet so your best bet is to try it out on them. Be ready for their response though. They are brutally honest. I've had many children tell me they don't like my joke, dance, singing, story-telling, you name it! It doesn't stop me and it shouldn't stop you.
Aside from what I outlined, and depending on the child and circumstance, there is much more that can be sprinkled into this "magic" mix, but this is a start. One additional tip that I would add is to always share bits of your personal life with children. They love social interaction. Give it to them! Pictures or stories about your family, special events, interests, etc., helps create the feeling I talked about earlier. See them as they see you - as a human; a person trying to navigate, learn and explore the world surrounding them.
Simply put, children of most any age can NOT be made to do anything they don't want to do, but if you provide a safe and loving environment that gives them autonomy and opportunity to make choices and take risks, that's where the magic is! Will there still be times when they exhibit unwanted behaviors? Of course, because they are trying to learn much faster than they can process what they are learning. Is it easy? Not always, but the less time they spend trying to manage their own explorative instincts in order to appease you, there will be less frustration and kickback and more laughing and learning.
So, if I could go back in time to answer this amazed grandparent's question, I would say, "I haven't made them do anything. They chose to sit, listen, and participate on their own because they had agency to do so. I'm just giving them what they need to feel like the important human beings - the MOST important human beings - they are, and in turn, they give me what I need to help them learn and grow. Then, we rinse and repeat!"
