Help Your Child Fail?
Children are THE BEST failure experts alive, hands down! They have had to fight ever since their entrance into this world, and they haven't stopped fighting since. So many adults try to protect children and keep them from making the "same mistakes" they did and don't realize that letting them take the risks and work through the failure will likely keep them from failing in the long run. Failure leads to success and quite honestly, you can only call it "failure" if you stop taking risks. Risks can ultimately go one of two ways, but failure is the one we focus on the most. Not the success. We somehow trained ourselves to believe success and failure don't compliment each other. Running for President is a huge risk, and while you might fail, you also might win! Win or lose, you certainly grew through the process and gained way more wins along the way, and that's something to be proud of. Children need to experience the same type of growth and pride, but they can only do that through trial and error. Failing and trying again.
How many times does a child fall down before they finally start to walk steadily...and how many times do they get upset and flop down and cry when we try to help or make them walk again? Children need to know they can do difficult things and if we get in the way of their problem-solving process, we get in the way of their confidence building. The more they try and finally succeed, the better they feel about themselves. The same way I’m sure you feel today as an adult when you succeed. Be there when they fall, but let them experience it, especially when they are more than willing to get up again, in spite of it. Below are some ways you can help your child fail. Believe me when I say it will make a world of difference in their lives - and yours!
Support Risk-Taking. When children - humans, in fact - know they have support, they are more willing to take risks. If something looks too dangerous or risky for your child to achieve (i.e., climbing a tree or running down and steep hill), be there to provide safety, but don’t stop them. Let them explore their interests. They just might surprise you and figure it out safely - many times they do!
Help them Build Resiliency. As I've stated a few times, children are learning about their bodies and their world through trial and error, thus building their resilience. When children fail, they usually don’t give up the first time. They try many times before they get frustrated. This is a skill they will need to get through life and if you’re reading this, you’re likely trying to build your resilience against your busy, curious child.
Acknowledge Their Efforts. Let's face it - no one likes to fail, but the more attention you put on a child's effort to do something whether they succeed or not, the more inclined they are to try it again if they fail. Celebrate them and not only tell them you are proud of their courage and bravery, also encourage them to be proud of themselves. Doing so will help them build unconditional self-love - another important attribute to carry into adulthood.
Model Accepting Failure. If you make a mistake in your child's presence, don't yell or get super upset about it. Instead, talk it out in a positive manner (e.g., "I just spilled milk all over the counter. That's ok. I'll just clean it up a pour myself another glass"). This approach will teach your child that failure is a part of exploration and taking risks and is not an end to their effort, but instead one step closer to their success.
Let the Failure Happen. As much as we want to intervene, doing so will only keep children from taking risks and reaching for success. Again, be there but let it happen and help them figure out a new way to take on the challenge. They might not listen right away but they will when they’ve exhausted all efforts.
Be Patient with Their Frustration. We all know how frustrating it can be to fail at something we want so badly, and how quickly we can lose patience when attempting to do the same thing over and over. For your young learner's sake, don't try to "help" them right away. Give them time to figure it out. If they are still frustrated, try to show them a different way to do it and let them try it again. All in all, your vibe will influence your child's. If you are stressed, they will become stressed. Breathe.
Don't Pressure Them to Try Again. Children understand failure more than we think, and they know when they are ready to get back up. Pressure when you're not ready is never good, especially when you need time to get yourself mentally prepared for what could turn out to be another failure. Encourage them to try again, if needed, but there's nothing better than the gift of time. Give them that.
With all of this try your best to see the world through a child's eyes. Everything is interesting and especially that which looks challenging. Children have been doing nothing more than conquering challenges since their first breath, some may argue it's been before that, so let them continue in their journey. Let them guide their own ship, and you be the co-captain.
Please don't feel pressured to put all of these tips into practice at once. Any new thing should be taken in small bites until you get used to the change. Try any combination of one or two at a time for a few days or weeks then add in a few more when they become more natural.
